Ako.

Ako lang
ang kayang umintindi sa lahat ng topak mo
Ang tanging nakakaalam ng dahilan sa bawat pagkilos mo.
Ako lang. Ako lang ang nakakaalam kung gaano ka katindi magmahal
at kung paano ka nila nasaasaktan.

Isang ako lang.
Isang ako lang ang makakapagpaliwanag sa lahat kung gaano kalaki ang puso mo.
At isang ako lang
ang nakakaramdam ng mga hinanakit mo.

Ako lang ang may kayang magsabing
isa kang mabuting tao.
Ako lang ang magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob na
ipagtanggol ka kung sakaling may kakalaban sayo.
Ako mismo ang haharap sa kanila.
Dahil kilala kita at alam kong mahina ang loob mo.
Ako mismo ang magtataas ng ulo mong lagi mong niyuyuko
kapag hindi ka naiintindihan ng mundo.
Ako ang magsisigaw ng lahat ng pangarap mo
para malaman nilang hindi lang kapakanan mo ang iniintindi mo.

Ako. Ang siyang nakakarinig ng mga
hiyaw mong hindi mo maisigaw
Ako rin ang siyang nakakakita ng mga galit mong
hindi mo maisambulat
at ng mga sentimyento mong
hindi mo kayang ikwento sa iba.
Ako. Ako ang nakakaalam kung gaano karaming luha
ang nasa likod ng iyong maskarang nagpipilit magpakasaya.

Alam ko kung paano ka matakot.
Alam ko kung paano ka magmahal.
Alam ko kung kailan ka nag-aalangan
at kung kailan ka talaga masaya.
Andito lang ako...
isang ako na nagmamahal sayo ng totoo.

Hinihintay ko ang pagtila ng ulan

Hinihintay kong tumila ang ulan
Upang tanawin ang mga tala sa kalangitan
Nakakainip maghintay buong magdamag
Sa tulad mong puro salita't pangako lamang

Hinihintay kong tumila ang ulan
Nais ko sanang kausapin ang buwan
At itanong kung bakit ako mag-isa
Habang ikaw ay nasa ibang kandungan

Hinihintay ko ang pagtila ng ulan
Gusto kong maglakad sa gitna ng daan
Baka sakaling ikaw ay aking matagpuan
At malaman kung sino man ang iyong ka-ibigan

Hinihintay kong tumila ang ulan
Upang sa gayon lumiwanag itong isipan
At sa huli'y akin nang panindigan
Na ikaw nga ay isang bagyong napadaan lamang.

Mademoiselle

They see your picturesque smile
while you innocently render your lullaby
your skin radiates in the candlelight
and your hair is being fondled by the wind tonight

Then crowd begins to praise your beauty
The others commend your artistry
Even so, you suddenly realized
This is not your destiny nor the place to rest your heart

And I, I was watching you too
behind the masks and lies
I, I was helplessly loving you
behind the pretensions and disguise

I was pleased and thankful of my facile world
Until you showered it with colors and bliss
I never thought that kind of life exists
So please remember how much you will be missed

And I, the greatest coward ever created
will be left imprisoned, incarcerated
with the jail of love I have all along.
And I, will live ever after. Alone.

04.20.2010

John and Reese

SHE ---



I watched how his cheeks turn from pale to red... he always fascinates me. Looking closely, I can see his skin glowing from the light of the elevator. I can smell his perfume. I feel a strong urge to touch and kiss his face. He is so cute.



He was busy searching for his ID, seems like he lost it again, which almost happens everyday.



He blushes whenever I say sweet nothings --like today when I said I missed him. We did not see each other yesterday. He just gave me a smile in return. I am such an actress, I pretended to say I miss him as if I was just saying it to a barkada or a cousin or a best bud. I said I missed him, no big deal. But deep inside, my heart is beating faster.



The door opened in the Ground floor. I didn't want to step out of the elevator but I didn't have a choice.



She is waiting outside. She called me last night to let me know that she is going back to him.



He was hers. She was his everything. But they broke up three months ago when he caught her cheating on him.



I became his confidante. I was the shoulders always willing to be leaned on. I was the ears always willing to listen. I was the companion. I was the martyr. The martyr who cares for him selflessly.



He didn't know what to do with his life when they split. He was shattered.



I was there when he got drunk and cried her name out loud in public. I was there when he didn't want to talk to anybody. I brought him to the hospital when he had gastritis. I brought food to his apartment every time he wouldn't eat a thing. I was there. Always there. I almost became a mother of a broken hearted man.



I wouldn't have the guts to do any of it in my own accord. But she is my bestfriend and she asked me to look after him while she's away, head over heels in-love with somebody else.



I want to prove the world I am a true friend that's why I took care of him and besides, he is also my friend. I never thought I will end up loving what I do for him. I later realized that broken hearts are somehow contagious.



He stepped out of the elevator first because I was quietly stuck where I was standing. He never knew his ex was there outside... waiting for us, waiting for him. She is waiting to reconcile with him. She is going to ask for forgiveness and admit that she regret everything she did.



She is going to ask him to take her back and have a new beginning.



My bestfriend hugged me as a way of thanking me for taking care of her man. I saw in his eyes that he was never prepared for the meeting and he looked away from the two of us.



I left them without saying a word. One more second of staying there would really make me cry. The thought of them going back together is hurting me so bad.



No explanations or elaborations are needed for what I feel because I should feel nothing. I don’t have the right to be hurt. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let myself fall for him. He is not going be mine because they belong together. Yes, we became close but it is just because he had no one to turn to. That’s just it.



I arrived home, went to bed and wept. That's all I am entitled to do. I don’t blame anybody. I am happy for them both. Period.

***********



HE---



I could feel her eyes staring at me again. I know I am blushing, I can feel the heat of my face so I pretended searching through my pockets for my ID.



It’s been more than two months when I became close to Reese. She is the reason why I was able to recover from the misery I was in.



She is such a sweet and free spirited woman. I’m proud and lucky to be with her. I feel like a prince walking with a princess whenever we're together. I like it whenever she will hold my arm when we are about to cross the street. I like holding her elbow when riding a vehicle. I like sharing umbrella with her or even eating on the same plate with her.



I have asked myself many times why I courted her bestfriend instead of her. I wasted a year and a half with the wrong woman. It was such a mistake.



If only I knew that her bestfriend will break my heart... oh well, past is past. What's important right now is we're closer than ever and no one can take her away from me.



I feel very grateful to her. She never left my side during the times I was going through hell. I was totally devastated from the break up. She sacrificed several spa sessions and chick flick movies whenever I would ask her to come over or to drink with me in a bar when I was still in post break-up dilemma. She listens. She understands. She cares.



She brought me food on the days I didn't want to eat anything. She brought me back to life. I am now stronger, wiser, better. I wanted to ask her why she is so good to me but I was never sure how to ask it.





Such proximity like this one in the elevator weakens my knees. I want to feel her hair and embrace her. I want to put my arms around her. I want to build new dreams together with her. I see her in my future.



I am certain that I want her. I love her. I’m just not sure if she feels the same but I’m planning to tell her my feelings soon.



Maybe today is not the perfect timing. Maybe I will confess this coming weekend during the movie we are going to watch. I want it to be memorable. Few days won’t hurt us both so I am going to wait until weekend.



She said she missed me. We did not see each other yesterday. My mind is shouting I miss her too but I didn't say it out loud.



There is something different with her when we reached the ground floor of the building. Usually, she'll be stepping out of the elevator first and bug me right away where to eat or if we are going to ride the train or going to take a cab.



I wanted to ask what's wrong with her. Maybe she had a rough day at work. I stepped out of the elevator when I felt she wasn’t ready to go out. She followed, and just when I was about to speak to her, I noticed that she's looking outside the building. I followed the direction of her eyes and saw her bestfriend. My ex - the one who broke my heart. The one who was never contented of me.



I want to ask what is my ex doing here but she walked towards her and they embraced. She turned quickly without a single word and left me with the woman I didn’t want to be with.



I didn’t give my ex a chance to speak. I told her right away that I don’t want to see her or be with her anymore. Everything between us is over.





I walked hurriedly away and get in the first cab I saw. Everything that happened to us and everything she did came back and I felt nothing. I don’t feel anything for her anymore.



All that matters to me now is Reese.







***********

THEM--



The next day, Reese woke up with 3 missed calls from John. It was hurtful to read his name on the screen of her phone. Reese thought maybe he was trying to call to thank her for everything… for all the days she was there for him or maybe simply just to tell her the story of their reconcilliation.



She didn’t feel like working that day and so she called to advise her TL that she’s sick (which rarely happen).



It’s already lunch time but she havent eaten anything yet. She never felt like this before, the more she tries to forget about John, the more she thinks of him, the more pain she gain. The picture of her bestfriend and John together is registering on her mind.



She remembers what her mom used to tell her when she was young and didn’t win in a singing competition – “Whenever you will fall down the only option left is to go up again.“



She started deleting John’s pictures from her desktop that she collated during the times she was his only strength. She saw his picture holding the rabbit he bought for her, their picture together eating on the same plate taken by his. Also her favorite picture of them taken by his camera phone, they were dripping wet from the rain but still having a good time under a waiting shed in Ayala.



After deleting everything, she then started grabbing and putting into a box the things around her apartment that remind her of him. His dvds, baseball cap, a couple of books, his tennis racket and many more.



She heard a knock on her door and opened it. She was dumbfounded to see it was John, still looking soooo handsome inspite of sweat. He smelled his irresistable perfume. He was holding a long stem of yellow rose and looking seriously at her.



She didn’t know what to think of or what to do and so she opened the door wide for him to come in.



Then and there he said the sweetest lines ever…



“You’re the only one I want to be with. Would you give me the honor to love you forever?”



She didn’t speak. She just went close to him and kissed his cheek.

United we stand, Divided we fall.

Sa Susunod Kong Buhay

Sa Susunod Kong Buhay
(Inspired by Woody Allen)


Sa susunod kong buhay
Gusto kong mabuhay ng pabaliktad
Magsisimula ako sa pagbangon mula sa hukay...

Gigising ako sa araw-araw na nakatira
sa tahanan ng mga matatanda
Na naghihintay ng pensyon
habang unti-unting umaayos ang pakiramdam
tumitigas ang buto't bumubuti ang pangangatawan

Hanggang sa palalayasin na ako
sa sarili kong bahay
dahil lubusan na akong malakas...
Magsisimula na akong magtrabaho
Bibili ng gintong relo at magsasaya sa unang sweldo.

Magtatrabaho ako ng apat-na-pung taon
hanggang dumating ang panahon aking kabataan
kung kailan ako'y magre-retiro na
at magtatamasa ng aking pinagpaguran

Iinom, mamamasyal at makikipagsaya
lahat ng pwede ay aking susubukin
kapag ang edad ko'y mas nabawasan na
high school naman ang aking papasukin

Pagkatapos akoy mag-e elementarya
Magiging bata at sa wakas ay maglalaro na
Walang nang obligasyon
Walang nang responsibilidad

Hanggang akoy magiging sanggol na walang muwang
Paglaon ako'y mananatili sa sinapupunan
Sa loob ng siyam na buwan
--Kung saan may libre akong spa
at komportableng mahihigaan
na unti-unting luluwang sa paglipas ng mga buwan.
Hindi ba't masaya
ang mabuhay ng pabaliktad
lalo na't ang pinaka huling yugto ng buhay ko
ay udyok ng pagmamahalan?

The Untold Love Story

SHE ---

I watched how his cheeks turn from pale to red... he always fascinates me. Looking closely, I can see his skin glowing from the light of the elevator. I can smell his perfume. I feel a strong urge to touch and kiss his face. He is so cute.

He was busy searching for his ID, seems like he lost it again, which almost happens everyday.

He blushes whenever I say sweet nothings --like today when I said I missed him. We did not see each other yesterday. He just gave me a smile in return. I am such an actress, I pretended to say I miss him as if I was just saying it to a barkada or a cousin or a best bud. I said I missed him, no big deal. But deep inside, my heart is beating faster.

The door opened in the Ground floor. I didn't want to step out of the elevator but I didn't have a choice.

She is waiting outside. She called me last night to let me know that she is going back to him.

He was hers. She was his everything. But they broke up three months ago when he caught her cheating on him.

I became his confidante. I was the shoulders always willing to be leaned on. I was the ears always willing to listen. I was the companion. I was the martyr. The martyr who cares for him selflessly.

He didn't know what to do with his life when they split. He was shattered.

I was there when he got drunk and cried her name out loud in public. I was there when he didn't want to talk to anybody. I brought him to the hospital when he had gastritis. I brought food to his apartment every time he wouldn't eat a thing. I was there. Always there. I almost became a mother of a broken hearted man.

I wouldn't have the guts to do any of it in my own accord. But she is my bestfriend and she asked me to look after him while she's away, head over heels in-love with somebody else.

I want to prove the world I am a true friend that's why I took care of him and besides, he is also my friend. I never thought I will end up loving what I do for him. I later realized that broken hearts are somehow contagious.

He stepped out of the elevator first because I was quietly stuck where I was standing. He never knew his ex was there outside... waiting for us, waiting for him. She is waiting to reconcile with him. She is going to ask for forgiveness and admit that she regret everything she did.

She is going to ask him to take her back and have a new beginning.

My bestfriend hugged me as a way of thanking me for taking care of her man. I saw in his eyes that he was never prepared for the meeting and he looked away from the two of us.

I left them without saying a word. One more second of staying there would really make me cry. The thought of them going back together is hurting me so bad.

No explanations or elaborations are needed for what I feel because I should feel nothing. I don’t have the right to be hurt. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let myself fall for him. He is not going be mine because they belong together. Yes, we became close but it is just because he had no one to turn to. That’s just it.

I arrived home, went to bed and wept. That's all I am entitled to do. I don’t blame anybody. I am happy for them both. Period.

 ***********

HE---

I could feel her eyes staring at me again. I know I am blushing, I can feel the heat of my face so I pretended searching through my pockets for my ID.

It’s been more than two months when I became close to Reese. She is the reason why I was able to recover from the misery I was in.

She is such a sweet and free spirited woman. I’m proud and lucky to be with her. I feel like a prince walking with a princess whenever we're together. I like it whenever she will hold my arm when we are about to cross the street. I like holding her elbow when riding a vehicle. I like sharing umbrella with her or even eating on the same plate with her.

I have asked myself many times why I courted her bestfriend instead of her. I wasted a year and a half with the wrong woman. It was such a mistake.

If only I knew that her bestfriend will break my heart... oh well, past is past. What's important right now is we're closer than ever and no one can take her away from me.

I feel very grateful to her. She never left my side during the times I was going through hell. I was totally devastated from the break up. She sacrificed several spa sessions and chick flick movies whenever I would ask her to come over or to drink with me in a bar when I was still in post break-up dilemma. She listens. She understands. She cares.

She brought me food on the days I didn't want to eat anything. She brought me back to life. I am now stronger, wiser, better. I wanted to ask her why she is so good to me but I was never sure how to ask it.

Such proximity like this one in the elevator weakens my knees. I want to feel her hair and embrace her. I want to put my arms around her. I want to build new dreams together with her. I see her in my future.

I am certain that I want her. I love her. I’m just not sure if she feels the same but I’m planning to tell her my feelings soon.

Maybe today is not the perfect timing. Maybe I will confess this coming weekend during the movie we are going to watch. I want it to be memorable. Few days won’t hurt us both so I am going to wait until weekend.

She said she missed me. We did not see each other yesterday. My mind is shouting I miss her too but I didn't say it out loud.

There is something different with her when we reached the ground floor of the building. Usually, she'll be stepping out of the elevator first and bug me right away where to eat or if we are going to ride the train or going to take a cab.

I wanted to ask what's wrong with her. Maybe she had a rough day at work. I stepped out of the elevator when I felt she wasn’t ready to go out. She followed, and just when I was about to speak to her, I noticed that she's looking outside the building. I followed the direction of her eyes and saw her bestfriend. My ex - the one who broke my heart. The one who was never contented of me.

I want to ask what is my ex doing here but she walked towards her and they embraced. She turned quickly without a single word and left me with the woman I didn’t want to be with.

I didn’t give my ex a chance to speak. I told her right away that I don’t want to see her or be with her anymore. Everything between us is over.

I walked hurriedly away and get in the first cab I saw. Everything that happened to us and everything she did came back and I felt nothing. I don’t feel anything for her anymore.

All that matters to me now is Reese.

***********

Reese,

                I want to start off by admitting that I miss you every time we are apart and forgive me for not saying it to you personally. I guess I am such a coward. I just didn’t really know where I stand. I don’t want to assume that whenever you tell me you miss me it means something more than being friendly. I want you to know you make my heart skip a beat every time you say you missed me and my mind is shouting I missed you too.

                I thank you for bringing me back to life. My gratitude is not enough to repay the kindness and care that you showed, I wouldn’t know where I would be right now if not because of all you’ve done for me. It would really be nice if you would take care of me for good.

                It was such a long time since I wrote a love letter that’s why my thoughts are scrambled now, yes Reese, this is a love letter and I am writing it for you.

                 I want to remind you of our movie date on Saturday. Please do come. I have something very important to say.

p.s. I don’t want to be with anybody else but you.          

               

John.

Istoker

Aaminin ko ba'ng nahulog na ako sa iyo?
Nararapat bang maging tapat
kahit alam ko naman ang isasagot mo?

Paano ba kita sinimulang suyuin ng palihim?
At naisin na kasama mo akong pinanonood
ang mahiwagang takip-silim..

Kailan nga ba ako nagtangkang
bilangin ang mga hakbang papalapit sa iyo?
at sukatin ang distansya ng ating mga puso...

Bakit malalim ang bawat paghinga
habang tinatanaw ang iyong paglakad?
Dahil nga pala -likod mo lang ang kaya kong titigan
at anino mo lang ang kaya kong hagkan...

Sasaluhin kaya ako ng iyong mga bisig
sakali mang tuluyan na akong sa iyoy umibig?
Abot kamay at abot tanaw kita
sadya nga lang mundo nati'y magkaiba.

Kulang ba ang lahat ng kaya kong ialay
para pantayan ang kanyang mga naibigay?
Siguro ay kulang nga.ng talaga.
kaya hindi na ako magtatangka pa.

Maraming akong tanong.
Alam ko rin ang lahat ng sagot.
Pero sa tuwing nakikita kita.
Natututo ang puso kong umasa.
Basta tandaan mo.
Nandito lang ako.
Matiyagang naghihintay sa'yo.


***********
Adlesirc 09.14.2010

At dahil mahal kita/Dahil sa iyong pag ibig

Isang umaga, habang lulan ako ng bus pauwi ng Rizal galing opisina, naisip ko ang linyang "hahanapin kita sa aking panaginip". Malungkot ang paligid ng araw na iyon (Sept 3), maulan at napakalamig sa loob ng bus. Pag uwi ko ng bahay ay nagsulat ako. Ito ang kinalabasan:

AT DAHIL MAHAL KITA

Hihintayin kita sa aking panaginip
Mahihimbing akong sa iyo'y nananabik
Pipikit akong ikaw pa rin ang nasa isip
Hahanapin kita sa aking panaginip

Kapag ikaw ay kapiling na
Walang sandaling sasayangin sinta
Bubuhayin natin ang mga mga ala-ala
At kung maari sanay hindi na magising pa

Sabay nating tatawirin ang bahaghari
Aakyatin mga ulap hanggang kumulimlim
Hawak-kamay na bibilangin ang mga bituin
Susungkitin natin ang buwan sa gabing taimtim

Babalik rin tayo sa ating tagpuan
Kung sa'n nagsimula ating pag-iibigan
Iuukit kong muli ang iyong pangalan
Sa puno na madalas nating sinasandalan

Kapag wala na tayong maisip gawin
Dadalhin naman kita sa ating hardin
Uupo ako sa tabi mo at sa langit ay titingin
Muling idadalangin na ako sana'y kunin Niya na rin.

Isang kaibigan ang sumagot sa tulang ito, yun nga lang, mas maganda pa ang gawa niya kesa sakin, napaka-makata talaga niya. 

Dahil sa iyong pag-ibig by Sinta Isaac

Irog, ngayong gabi ikaw sana'y humimbing

sa iyong panaginip ako'y iyong hanapin,

alam kong ika'y nananabik sa aking pagdating

sa loob ng iyong puso ako sana'y hintayin.

At sa sandaling tayong dalawa'y magkapiling

bagamat ito'y panaginip, iyo sanang damhin

ang nilumot na alaala ating muling buhayin

ngunit sa huli'y kailangan mo pa ding gumising.

Itatawid kita sa tulay ng mga ulap

patungo sa bahagharing ating pinapangarap

pilit nating papangalanan ang bawat bituin

at pagmamasdan kita sa ilalim ng buwan at dilim.

Ibabalik kita sa init ng aking mga bisig,

ang bisig kong kinakapitan mo ng mahigpit

Muli mong iuukit ang pag-ibig sa aking katawan,

dito sa loob ng ating mga puso ang ating tagpuan.

At sa sandali nang ating pananahimik,

ipakita mo sa akin ang mga rosas nang pag-ibig,

humimlay ka sa aking tabi at ang mata'y ipikit,

sa ganoong paraan lamang tayo maaaring magtalik...

dito sa sarili nating langit.

Salamat ulit Sinta, hindi ko makakalimutan ang tulang ito :)

Kapag Laos Na Ang Mga Sikat.

Kapag 'di na gasgas

ang salitang "mahal kita"

sasabihin ko ito sayo

para di mo isagot

na masyado akong ma-"keso".

Saka na lang ako lalapit

kapag wala ka nang ka-Tweet.

Saka na lang kita tatawagan

'pag sa YM ay wala ka nang ka-chikahan.

Kapag ang Facebook ay hindi na "in"

at si Lady Gaga ay laos na rin...

siguro pwede na akong magpapansin

sa gayon masisiguro kong

sa akin ka na lang titingin.

Kapag hindi na uso

ang mga katagang "wrong timing"

saka ako magtatapat

para hindi mo sabihing

isa kong "malaking assuming".

Saka na lang,

kapag wala nang kaagaw sa iyong atensyon

kapag wala nang exciting sa Internet or MTV

'pag luma na ang Iphone o Blackberry.

Saka na lang

pag sawa ka na sa kaka-text

para di isiping ang sasabihin ko

ay ginaya ko lang

sa isang forwarded message.

Sa ngayon,

mananahimik muna ako sa isang tabi

at mangangarap tuwing gabi

na ako ang kasama mong nanonood

ng mga love story sa Imax 3d.

Iba-blog ko na lang muna

ang nararamdaman ko sayo

at maghihintay ng mga pictures

na naka-tag kasama mo

magpaparamdam na lang ako

'pag hindi ka na hooked

sa mga pinagkakabisihan mo

at wala nang uso sa paligid mo.

Baw.

Kailan

Kailan ba maluluklok ang tinatapakan,
babangon mga dangal na niyuyurakan?
Kailan ngingiti ang sangkatauhan,
gigising na may sikmurang hindi kumakalam?

Kailan tatawa ang syang pinagtatawanan?
kailang hahagkan ang pinandidirian?
kailan matatakot ang walang pinaniniwalaan?
kailan mananagot ang mga nanlalamang?

Kailan malilinis ang mga lansangan,
sa mga batang dapat ay nasa paaralan?
Kailan ang matatanda'y lalagi sa kanilang tahanan,
at mapapahinga sa pagkayod para may panghapunan?

Kailan matitigil ang mga bakbakan,
at wala nang hahandusay na duguang katawan?
Kailan pa ba giginhawa at makikinabang,
ang mga manggagawang nahihirapan?

Kailan magsisilbi ang siyang pinaglilingkuran,
at titingala ang mga naghahari-harian?
Kailan aayos ang gobyerno't pamahalaan?
hanggang kailan magpapadala sa kanilang kapangyarihan?

Maraming tanong sa aking isipan
parang halos lahat ay walang kasagutan
marahil kung hindi kikilos at hindi lalaban
habangbuhay tayong alipin sa sariling bayan.